TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Anyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance Trump Tower Damascus with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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